Loving Kids = Natural Consequences & Smarter Decision Making

Loving your children and helping them be successful in life, really looks like this:

-Allow children an appropriate amount of control and personal decision making (age appropriate)
-Allow natural consequences to take place (Don’t protect them from the negative results of their decisions even if it inconveniences you)
-Children learn from their mistakes
-Children are equipped with learning how to make better decisions next time

The second half of “Parenting With Love and Logic” has 48 different common scenarios that parents may struggle with, with their children, and tips and advice on how to deal with each one; Up on the list today is, “Bedtime.”

Many children may have no problem getting tucked in bed, read a story, and lights out as a regular routine, but for my son, a strong willed-warrior, bed time has been a problem – his problem. (In the past I’ve made it my problem, but after some great advice from this book, I’ve realized it’s only my problem if I make it my problem.)

What WAS happening:

-after being prompted to brush teeth, go to the bathroom and read a bed time story, to my son this started to seem like he was being controlled, instead of understanding, “my mom really loves me and does not want me to get cavities, pee my bed and have a disturbed sleep, learn how to read even better, and have a good night’s rest so I can have a great successful day tomorrow”
-bed had started becoming a “you can’t tell me what to do, I’m staying up and playing” kind of game, where he wouldn’t get enough sleep and started having really “red-light” behavior at school the next day.
-the next morning he needed help to get dressed, eat, pee, put his bowl away, put his shoes on, get his backpack and lunch and everything else in between while whining the entire morning.
-Mommy WAS stressed to the max, and the day had barely started

The Intervention:

-I sat down with my son and explained as the book suggested, “Child, I am sorry I have been trying to control what time you go to bed. I should know that you are smart enough to listen to your body and know when you are tired. Mommy gets tired at night too so I have decided I need to go to bed around 10 o’clock and I need a few hours of quiet time before bed to finish tasks and relax. You may choose whatever bed time you need for your body, HOWEVER, mommy will need you to be in your room while I’m having quiet time. Would you like to be in your bedroom at 7:30 or 8:00pm?” To which he replied 8:00pm. “Great, so after 8:00 pm I don’t want to see you or hear you, however you can do whatever you want and stay up until you feel is best. I’d suggest having a snack, brushing your teeth and going to the bathroom before so you don’t have to wait all the way till the next morning.”

What NOW happens:

– with a few reminders at 7:45 to get any toys and do anything like bathroom break, eat, teeth etc. before 8:00, I ask him if he wants me to read a bed time story, and the door closes at 8:00pm. The occasional times he comes out asking for things, or stating he is hungry, and I gently remind him that I had given him a reminder already, and that the next meal will be at breakfast, or that he can play with the toy he didn’t bring the next day, if he remembers to get it in the room before 8:00 and back in the room he goes
-I usually shut off all the lights and “go to bed” and usually he will fall asleep when he sees that I have too
-Sometimes I’m up watching a movie, and he asks why I can do that, and I simply remind him it’s my quiet time and he needs to be in his room

The first few nights of this were trial and error for me learning what would work with him and what does not.

The first night he stayed up till at least 10pm and the second night until around 9:30. He began to get really tired the second day and I reminded him that if he was grumpy and it started to affect our time together, we may have to adjust his bedroom time a little earlier. I also cheerfully said “I went to bed at a good time so I feel happy and full of energy today.”

By allowing my son to make choices for himself, he is learning the natural consequences for his actions, in this case, staying up late means I’m tired the next day, which ultimately helps him understand why his behavior is as it is, and then why he loses out on some opportunities because of bad behaviors. He is now learning to understand that when he is well rested, his behavior tends to be much better and he is often rewarded and/or praised for this. Allowing for natural consequences to take place is really setting him up to be successful in life, and future decision making.

So far, this is such a great and helpful book!

M.O.A.W.

Screamers For A Screamer!

Yesterday was going fairly smooth until my son decided he wanted to go to the local wave pool. I had given him the option of going out to the park or staying in and watching a movie. He decided he didn’t like either of those options and insisted on going to the wave pool. At this point I told him it was not an option and had to carry him out of my car.

As I walked into the house he grabbed my Slurpee and threw it on the lawn, along with his. I guess he decided because he didn’t get what he wanted, no one else was going to be happy either. (By no one else I mean me.) Inside we go and the hitting, kicking, spitting and trying to bite me happens, at which point I put him in the “I’m-sitting-behind-you-holding-your-limbs-so-you-can’t-hurt-me” position. He cries, and cries, and cries and does the usual, “I’m-blaming-this-on-you, it’s-all-your-fault-and-your-hurting-me” scream.

After a while I ask him if he is ready to stop hurting me, to which he replies, “Yes.”

He gets up and runs to the kitchen and grabs a cup of water (this time it was a plastic item) and threatens to throw it on me. I kindly remind him that if he chooses not to be fun and respect mom, he is choosing to go to his room until he is ready to be fun. He ends up dumping the water all over the floor and grabbing a shirt and getting it soaked in the sink. At impulse, and hoping to change the situation around, I grab the shirt and wrap it around his head over and over again. He beings to laugh (kind of) and eventually cries.

Eventually after some more hitting and such, I begin to lose my patience and start yelling at him and he begins to tell me how he wants a different mom and he does not want to live with me. (I know this is wrong, because in that moment I am angry. When he treats me this way, I try to hold it in, act like everything is going to be ok, but its like a hammer hitting a marble slab, eventually it is going to crack. One can only take so much. The pain is driven deeper and deeper with each hit, until we both have become people that we never wanted to be, and both hurt the one we love the most. The only One who could ever fix such a piece of art is God Himself. ) He goes to his room and cries.

We both, when calm, come together and say sorry and seek forgiveness. We ended up watching a great movie and called it a night.

We won’t be getting the Screamers (slushie & ice-cream mixed in layers, you have to try it!) that were on the agenda today as a result of this behavior. (It’s always like walking on eggshells when consequences have been instilled because many times, he also does not like them and this often causes another fight.)

I remain consistent in believing and contending for a supernatural breakthrough of peace and healing with my son’s behavior and heart (and mine if I’m honest.) I choose to speak in authority over my son’s life, blessings, obedience, love, kindness and discernment amongst many other things, every night for I believe in calling out his destiny not what the lies of the enemy. Although these are the behaviors of my son, I know his heart, and I love him, for he is gentle, kind, generous, loving, and very funny!

M.O.A.W.

A Battle Worth Fighting

Laundry was folded and ready to be put away, and guess whose chore that was, my little warriors of course.

He decided he didn’t want to do his chore last night so he asked for a different one. (Usually in the past when he wouldn’t do his chore I would do his and he would get mine, which was usually a chore far worse/harder than his and he would regret not doing his own.) This was a little different because there really was nothing else to be done, so I simply replied, “Sorry, but that’s the last chore left so you can’t switch with mine because there are no other chores to do.

Well he didn’t want to do the laundry so he decided to dump the entire bin of folded clothes on the floor, and he made sure nothing was left folded.

“And I’m NOT Cleaning that up!” he stated as he continued to throw random objects at the pile of clothes scattered about. The throwing stopped when he grabbed a candle in a glass jar and shattered that to pieces.

I surprisingly kept cool even at that outburst however inside I was really upset. I shook the glass off all the clothes and put them in a pile on the side along with the other things he threw, and I removed all the glass from the carpet and took it out side to shake off. I came back in and began to eat the muffin that we were going to share. (The deal was he would get some if he displayed good behavior that evening, which he did until this stunt.)

“I want some!” were the next words out of his mouth.

“Sure, no problem, you can have some as soon as that carpet gets vacuumed and the clothes are folded. Here I’ll save you some.”

“I WANT THE MUFFIN!” he commanded.

“Okay, I’ll be happy to give you some as soon as that floor gets cleaned up.”

He clearly was not going to start cleaning so I began to read my bible on the couch and he was irritated. He began kicking me and hitting me, which initially I tried to ignore but, he needed to know this was not acceptable. I grabbed his hands and crossed them like he would be hugging himself, so he could not hit me. I also had to sit behind him on the floor with my legs crossed over his so he could not kick me. The squirming and wiggling and body thrusting was taking place meanwhile the dramatic cries of how he couldn’t breath, and I was ‘hurting’ him were happening. After a while of crying and exerting some energy, he promised to stop hurting me so I let him go. To my surprise he actually did stop.

I went to my room and began to cry and pray for my son, and this situation. I opened my bible and flipped through trying to take my eyes off this situation and seek wisdom in focusing on Jesus.

He led me almost immediately to the parable in Mark 9 ‘Jesus Heals a Boy Possessed by an Impure Spirit.’ Although the parable is titled this, it is an analogy for a generation with a lack of faith, because the people do not believe that they could drive the impure spirit out and even ask Jesus IF He could do anything. Jesus replies to them “Everything is possible for one who believes.” (I did and do believe Jesus could help me then just as He has many times.) In the story, He rebukes the impure spirit and commanded it to never enter the boy again. Later the disciples ask why they couldn’t drive it out and Jesus replies with, “This kind can come out only by prayer.”

That was the answer I needed! Prayer!

I fell asleep shortly after and I guess my son came to bed at some point in the night. Yes he was tired the next morning however through a little humor we kept things positive.  Prayer really works and what a difference it made! My son was told that he would not be able to go to his dad’s tonight until all the clothes were picked up and the other items that he threw. To my surprise, most of it got cleaned up, until we ran out of time, and had to go to work/school. For his compliance, I told him he would be able to go but as soon as he got back, the little bit he had left would have to be put away. (Once upon a time, I would not have stuck to my guns and ended up cleaning for him, but I’ve learned that this does not teach him anything, only that my word means nothing. Even though he struggled to put the clothes away, I know he will reconsider the next time he gets angry and wants to dump the clothes; even better is that he will have learned that he is responsible for his own actions and there are consequences for them. This made the struggle worthwhile and I feel good on my journey to becoming a powerful parent!)

(One year ago when I saw this similar behavior in my son, I felt God telling me through other people that I really needed to start praying over my son at night and any chance I could. I started this journey and soon saw changes in my son. I guess I got lazy or thought that because the changes happened I no longer needed to pray. Well three weeks or so ago, this behavior has resurfaced and has been quite a battle.

I have started and intend to maintain a strong prayer life through interceding for my son, and declaring who he is in Christ, calling forth his destiny. I will not cease just because I see results this time.

“Father, I thank you for my mighty warrior son who is so smart, brave, courageous, gentle and kind. I thank You that he is a mighty worshiper who will follow You all the days of his life. Thank You for the great calling on his life to lead his generation, hearts and souls to the kingdom and glory of God. Lord I thank You that You protect him everywhere he goes and for the angels that never leave his side as a hedge of protection around him. Thank You that he will choose to serve You all the days of his life and that You give him the wisdom and discernment to make wise choices, and see life as if looking through Your eyes. I entrust his life to You and choose to let go of control and die to my own plans daily so that he and I may lead a life that emulates You daily. Thank You that favor and blessings surrounds my son and will pour out into future relationships. Lord help me to find new and creative ways to teach my son to hone his energy and will into leadership qualities that will be used for serving You. Please help me to never grow weary in praying for my son and in parenting him. I thank you that you entrusted his life to me, I love him and I bless him, in Jesus Name, Amen.”

M.O.A.W.

“My Kid is a Genius!”

This morning started off no different than the rest with the exception of one thing; I became a powerful
person by giving choices to my son in the form of questions, lots of questions!

Being a powerful person does not mean that you use your authority to make
someone feel small, or yell at them or try and control them. Being a powerful
person mean that you pull out the best you you’ve got, to help the other person
be the best them they can be.

My son was extra tired yet again because he chose to stay up late last night,
again.

(His choice: His problem)

Today I gave my son choices that went a little something like this:

“Would you like to eat your breakfast or go to school hungry?”

(No response)

“Okay no problem!”

(As I start eating my breakfast and then got dressed)

“Are you going to wear your pajamas to school today or would you like to
get dressed?”

“But I’m hungry and tired” he says.

“Aww that’s too bad. I guess you slept late last night huh? Would you like me to heat up your oatmeal?”

“Yes, please” he says.

(As he ate, I continued getting ready. He he lies back down after he is finished
his food. The clock is ticking and we have to go but I remain calm and try to
not let the clock get the best of me (Or me get the best of me if I’m honest and not going to make excuses for myself.)

“So are you going to wear your pajamas today or do you want to get
changed?”

“I’ll get changed but can you help me get my clothes and get
dressed?” he says.

“Sure no problem. Here are your clothes. Sit up if you would like my help.”

(He lays there lifelessly so very tired. Two minutes till we have to be out the
door and he still does not have his clothes on so I begin to grab everything I
need and start shutting off the lights.)

“I’m heading out the door in two minutes. Do you want to get dressed or
would you like to go to school like that?”

(He quickly gets his clothes on as he sees I’m heading out the door.)

“Oh do you want to have lunch today or you don’t feel like eating today?”

(He quickly grabs his lunch and puts it in his backpack.  In the car he realizes that he does not like
the pants he is wearing and starts to cry and the tantrum comes.)

“I don’t want to go to the daycare and I’m not going!”

“Okay no problem, (I pull him out of my car with his belongings) You can stay
here outside and I will go to work.”

“No Im not going” he says!

(Thank God I had an extra pair of pants in the car for some weird reason.)

“Here, would you like to go in and wear these ones or do you want to stay
outside today by yourself?”

Not to bore you with the details of my morning but this was great victory for
us!

Not once did I lose my cool or get impatient because I allowed my son to think
for himself, and he was in control of his own actions. (Asides me pulling him
out of the car.)

It really works, giving options and allowing your kids to make wise choices for
themselves so they dont feel controlled all of the time.

(For information on these techniques read “Loving your kids on Purpose OR
Parenting with Love and Logic.)

M.O.A.W.

Walking In His Shoes

The other day while on my knees in worship, a little girl comes up to me and starts dancing in front of me.

The father soon after came to retrieve his daughter. (I’m sure he just didn’t want her to disturb me and the others around. I probably would have done the same in frustration, as I value my worship time and when I constantly have to chase after my son it seems more like work than anything.)

Immediately I received a word for this man.
“Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'” So I told him it was okay and she could stay.

I was so humbled having her and a few other children dance around me; then the first little girl and I started to dance and everyone around was dancing in the presence of our Father. There was so much joy it was contagious! I was reminded of how often this happened with my son and I would have reacted differently. Perhaps upset that he was disturbing me when he too is no different than that little girl.

God changed my heart and breakthrough came! He reminded me, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”

The revelation came that I must see things through the eyes of my son to understand him. My heart was impacted deeply by this impartation of revelation and the grace of God knowing that He isn’t mad at me for my wrong choices and actions in the past, but LOVES me enough to give me wisdom in many areas including how to parent my child.

This morning although my son was very needy and grumpy, I served him where he was at instead of expecting him to live up to the standards I would expect myself to be at. No fights, no arguments, yes a little extra effort, but in the long run, the extra patience and effort to help him in areas he felt he needed help (perhaps serving him is his acts of service love language) is far less effort than the battle we may have had if I had displayed a more “your-old-enough-do-it-yourself” attitude.

God is Good!

M.O.A.W.

Can’t Control Yourself?

So many people want to be in control, yet don’t know how to control themselves trying to control others.

THIS is a problem.

Last night I learned:

Let HIM be him
++++++++++ = NO CONTROL
Let Me be me

The problem is, so many times we don’t want to let others be themselves (usually subconsciously.) We want to change little things about other people that would better suit our own wants, expected responses and likings, essentially trying to “change” them to be more like us. Often times, we do things for other people and “expect” a specific response from them, and if we don’t get the response we were looking for, we are upset/ hold a grudge/ irritated etc. that we didn’t get “our way.”

So many times this has been my unknowing attitude towards my son:

-I do something nice for him, he does not get something he wants, he hurts me (physically), I hold a resentment and am upset that my initial intention was good, to please him, however because of my own choices and wanting control over his reaction, I have a bad attitude because I was hurt and didn’t get the reaction I was looking for. (And our whole day is thrown off because we each didn’t get our own way.  Childish – right?  Except, he is a child, I am not.)

Many times this happens to our relationships with those in authority to us, those closest to us, and even those we love.

Do we really love people when we are subconsciously seeking our own outcome?
Are we really trying to do something nice for others when we are expecting a response to our own liking?
Are we really serving others when we are pleased only when we get what we want, but upset when we don’t?

What is the real attitude of our heart when doing something for someone?

So the next time my son gives me a response that was less than “what I am expecting,” I am going to choose to love him anyways.

Perfect Love casts out fear. Fear = Anxiety, anxiety of not having control over everything, over the outcome, over having our heart hurt one more time.

Choose to love anyways.

As I have learned, as we change, often times so do those around us.  After all, the only one we can really control is ourselves.

The Way It’s ‘Supposed’ To Be.

Last night was such a great night for my son and I.

After I picked him up from school I gave him the choice to watch a movie or go to the park. Initially he wanted to go to the park to fly his kite, but I really needed a little break and just a relaxing evening. So with a little persuasion and agreeing that he could fly his kite at his friend’s house Thursday evening, a movie night it was!

Dinner made Popcorn and a few sweets to top off a great movie. I gave my son the choice of the movie which usually we have to agree on, but I let go a little and only gave him the restriction of ‘it has to have real people in it.’ (Is that weird that I don’t like cartoons? A-half-cartoon-half-real-people movie is okay for me but I’m not super into a 7 year olds type of movie. A little give and a little take I guess. It ended up being a FULL ‘real people’ cartoon that he really wanted to see, AGAIN; I guess the ‘real people’ outweighed the ‘AGAIN’ I was not complaining.)

Basically what I’m trying to say is, we both compromised and it ended up being a great night with no struggles, unlike the other supposed-to-be movie night.

JUST what I was praying for!

The Power of Prayer & The Spoken Word

I found that my son hurting (biting, kicking, hitting, pulling hair, jumping on my car, breaking things, throwing things at me etc.) really built resentments towards him and I would then in turn hurt them with my words, frustrations. (Empty threats, instilling fear, saying hurtful things, spanking etc.) (While getting physical may work with some kids I quickly found out it doesn’t work with my son) He took it more as a deep hurt and I could see the resentment in his eyes. Some kids, it breaks their will, but not mine, was what I found out (NOW I KNOW, of a thing called Grace, and I’m learning that God gave it to me so I too can extend it to those that hurt me)

I also had to learn to trust God with my sons life. That helped me not worry so much about him when he did things that were scary for me. (Such as when he ran across two streets- a very busy intersection at that.) I also learned to trust God that my sons future, will be great! (Although our actions have consequences, I trust God’s grace and favor in our lives is greater and that He can swing things around because this battle was already paid for at the cross.)
I learned that God is not angry or mad at me for this stuff. HIS GRACE is big enough for my son and I.

My little warrior’s behavior got much much better. I knew what I was fighting was a spiritual battle because the look in his eyes and the voice he had switched on and off when these ‘events’ would happen. (It was EXTREEMLY hard for me to communicate this with others as they offered advice such as counseling, or prayer etc.) I knew it was a demon or something… so I decided to fight the demon through intercessory prayer at night. I prayed every time I picked him up(cleansing) and dropped him off (protection) and things got better.

Then (1 year later) 2 weeks ago.. Things started to get bad again. I don’t know what happened.. but i do know our H2H time slowed down, and I have not been praying as much at night. Just because things get good does not mean we should stop. (Kind of like weightless. (Healthy reasons) if we reach our target weight then start eating junk again we will go backwards. We have to maintain to stay healthy)

So Im back to maintaining and fighting for my son, knowing God won this battle at the cross already

I’ve been finding blogging is really helping me get my feelings out here and not out on my son as much. So THANK YOU for all who are reading and supporting me.

I’ve also been hearing lots of “You’re not the only one…” stories so to you: The enemy wants you to think God isn’t there for you… Just stay focused on Him and pray pray pray!

M.O.A.W.

Sound The Alarm

Alarm Clock                  Cold Water
Tickles Pinches             Blankets off Lights on
Jumping on his bed     Gentle Whispers

These are just a few of the creative ways I try and wake up my son in the morning.

Of course on the weekends he has no problem getting up early and waking me up before my anticipated “get up” time, but when it comes to school days, this seven year old child would sleep the morning away if I let him.

I mean it’s not like he gets less than ten hours of sleep a night. (Usually he gets around eleven!) Currently half his life is literally spent sleeping! I know it’s not bad for him, but it sure is time consuming trying to wake him up for fifteen minutes.

How do you do it? Tips? Creative ideas? Please share!

That’s all for this weekend! (No fun, “last night guess what happened stories” as it was a pretty smooth sailing kind of night. Sorry for the lack of excitement but for me, that in itself is very exciting!)

M.O.A.W.