The Cries of a Heart

The other kids came rushing down the stairs, and by the look on their faces, I knew that it was time for me to get my son and head home.

I knew I should have left much earlier, I felt it in my heart, but failed to follow it.

My son for the better part of the evening was playing well with his friends.

At some point he decided to grab a pair of scissors and began to tell his friends that he was going to “cut them up into pieces” and shortly followed by threatening to hurt himself. Those other kids were trapped in the room as my son stood against the door not allowing them to leave. Meanwhile he began to open the scissors and make a cutting motion, blade to his skin. Just then one of the brave other kids, grabbed the scissors and quickly ran to escape. That is when I saw them coming down the stairs.

The trauma those little kids must have experienced being faced with such a spirit staring at them in the face. The bravery of snatching the scissors, even in the midst of potentially getting hurt. The pain of realizing what just happened.

Although I cannot defend these actions because I know this spirit is not my son, I must deal with them the best I know how. My heart shattered as I heard those words come out of my son’s mouth, “I want to kill myself. I hate myself. I am such a bad boy.”

Immediately my heart went to wanting to feel guilt and take responsibility for him feeling this way, however this would be a lie of the enemy. It did however bring a reality to the words that we speak over people.

My son, although he often makes poor choices such as these, he is a GOOD BOY. His actions are not always smart choices, perhaps even a display of ‘bad’ behavior; however he is a good kid with a big, gentle heart.

It grieves me to know that at only seven my son has gone through so much that he dislikes himself so. Words cannot express the anguish in my heart regarding this, as I too as a very young child found myself wanting to ‘kill myself’ and hated myself.

I did not discipline my son that night, I cried all the way home, and prayed in the spirit. He fell asleep on the car ride home and I prayed over him, I interceded for him, and I blew my shofar in his room. I declare that the enemy has no place in my home, or my son and that the ONLY spirit aloud in his heart, mind, sight, ears, body, and influence over him is the Holy Spirit; every other knee must bow at the name of Jesus Christ. “This kind (of spirit) can only come out by prayer.”

My son will have to make cards for his friends and apologize to them for his actions; as well the next time this event happens, he will not be able to attend.

This surely has opened my eyes to being more diligent about giving my son praise and lifting him up, speaking life in him and over him. For the world is already full of people who will freely dish out words that they have no comprehension of the damage they can do to a heart, the last thing he needs is more from me. I am his advocate, his greatest fan, his proud mom and I will remind him daily of what a Good Boy he really is.

M.O.A.W.

Love Changes Everything

After opening my mother’s day card from my son, I was impacted by the things that impacted him.

Little reminders of how much he loves me and why he loves me. Reminders of places we’ve been and times we have shared.

Not to be proud, but it was a great reminder that I am a good mom! Often I am so hard on myself for I make many mistakes, however this card was a little reminder as if my son said, “Mom, don’t worry, you’re a great mom and here’s why.”

Just as I shouldn’t be so hard on me, I shouldn’t be so hard on him. Through it all, I know he really is a great kid with a good heart.
People may not always see it, even I often don’t, but he is loving, kind, gentle, thoughtful, courageous, bold, very smart, observant and loves Jesus amongst a few of his great qualities.

By far, one of the best qualities I love about him is his relationship with the Holy Spirit. When someone wrongs me my son always says, “Mom, now don’t get mad at them when you see them” or “Mom make sure your nice to them.” He always reminds me that ‘Love Changes Everything.’

I love his heart and know God will use him in great and mighty ways to impact the world by loving people.

M.O.A.W.

Three Wrongs Don’t Make You Right

In my deepest defense to protect and be an advocate for my son, sometimes I just miss the mark, but not this time!

“Yes, those kids whispering and telling secrets hurt you! Yes, it’s unfair and isolating! Yes, sometimes I’m the only one that seems to understand your heart! However, you are responsible for your own actions!”

My son had experienced being isolated yet again by his “friends.” So of course, he was upset and acted out in the way that he does. He wanted to fit in, belong and be a part of what was going on, and because he was being segregated and left out, he started pestering the bunch. He began to swear and call them names in his hurt, and they began the “I’m telling on you” game. That went on for four or five rounds before my son got the time out, initiated by another parent.

Some kids run to their room, or tell their parents, cry or even go play with something/someone else, but not my son. In the past he would hit, kick, break things, bite, and just get angry, so this bad language was actually a step up, however still unacceptable. (Yet understandable if you really knew what this kid has gone through.)

Sometimes I wish people would bring the kids together and have them work it out because that’s what they will have to do as adults, and because then both sides of the story are heard. I feel that’s my sons deepest desire (or perhaps mine for him,) is to be heard, and understood. It’s not always his fault, entirely, yet seems to get the entirety of the discipline more often than not.

You see, my son gets the blame, but in his heart he does not understand why because they too were bugging him and just as much being rude to him, but he didn’t speak up (or have the opportunity) so it’s three against one and the one loses. (Or so it seems)

I can try and coddle my son and try and sympathize with him telling him it was unfair, or I can try and teach him a lesson for the future in hopes that he will implement it. “Yes, those kids whispering and telling secrets hurt you! Yes, it’s unfair and isolating! Yes, sometimes I’m the only one that seems to understand your heart! However, you are responsible for your own actions!”

Because I love my warrior son, I choose to teach him that he is not responsible for how “they” act or react, just for the choices he makes.

M.O.A.W

The Heart Of The Matter, Is A Matter Of The Heart

The other day prior to our car ride home, my son wanted to give his friend a hug before heading out the door.

He called his friend by name and said “Hug?”

He was abruptly stopped by his friend’s parent, who realized what he was saying (or perhaps that we were standing right there) somewhere half way after he said it, “Noo-ooo-o!” It was almost as if it were a question but certainly a statement and command, in an almost isolating-my-child kind of way.

My son simply wanted to give this boy a hug, but because of my warrior’s, often rough behavior, it seemed that grace and love were not present, rather what I perceived from the other parent as fear and …well I’m actually not quite sure what it was to be honest, but it wasn’t nice, that’s for sure.

I was deeply saddened by this little moment because my son has a very gentle and sensitive side to him that unfortunately this time was not given the opportunity to display. You see, often children say or do mean things, yet their hearts intent still are usually innocent. Adults often say or do mean things as well, however it seems more often there is a motive behind it, usually from an event from their own past.

As we headed home, I asked my son how he felt when he was indirectly told he couldn’t hug his friend.
He said he was sad.

“That’s it!? Just sad?” I thought to myself.

Then it hit me. I too, like the other parent, had fears of my own that I invested in that little moment. I realized that, my hurt and fear was that my son would feel rejected and isolated, probably because as a child I often felt that way. But he simply felt just “sad.” I then understood that I could hold resentment about that parent’s words and actions or I could simply forgive them and extend grace.

It sure was hard because I, like every parent, want to protect my child’s heart; this however was a matter of my own heart.